Confessions of a `worry-er'

So I've resolved to believe that I'm more of a `worry-er' than a `warrior'.

Does that help anyone at all? Does that even help myself? That's the best question I asked myself lately.

Right now, my life is that of no worry, no hurry, no job, no colleagues, no phone calls, no haste, no waste. And, in nothingness, I've come to confrontation with what I've brushed under the carpet for years; strange incidents, lies, love, twisted imaginations, cornered conversations, and a true friend's love that I've been oblivious to for long- of God's.

So what am I worrying about? Plainly about the fact that I don't have anything to worry about. Yes you're right. It's nonsensical. But that's the way I am.

Even in this season of silence, God has established so much peace and rest in my wounded heart. God's Word holds good for everyone. For you and for me, the worst sinner of all. Its a miracle that a frivolous person like me has such an intense life to live. God has a plan and it amazes me that He thinks I'm worth this life I'm living.

Every time I think I'm alive, I owe it straight to God. Though I know that I tend to worry a lot over trivial issues, I believe that God is the warrior in me battling the more profound wars of my soul.

I'm a worry-er and I have a warrior God. Imagine, such grace even for a sinner like me.

Death of...

It is in...

...the death of a dream, that God's plan are revealed.
...the death of a goal, that God's purpose is fulfilled.
...the death of the past, that God promises a new beginning.
...the death of a relationship, that we realize God's undying love.
...the death of oneself, that God re-launches us...as brand new.

My deer friend

A full-grown male sambar deer tied outside a beautiful cottage in the middle of a forest range – not a usual sight. That was the first thing I noticed when we had been to a beautiful forest range.

Though the deer was just in the vicinity, we weren’t allowed to visit him for any reason. They called him `violent’.

I couldn’t hold my curiosity of how a timid deer from the wild could turn violent with the humans. I found the best moment when everyone was asleep after the tired journey and I sneaked up to see him. He was gritting his teeth so hard that he was foaming from his mouth, making him look like a mad dog. Down below on the ground I spotted cigarette butts and an empty beer bottle. (“How dirty they keep place”, I thought.)

I was a little scared, but I gathered my guts and slowly touched his face. He wasn’t violent or anything that they said he was. He was so gentle and calm. His eyes were full of fear, that of a helpless captive. I wanted to let him loose then, in to the wild so that he’ll be what he’s meant to be. In a span of five minutes, we were friends and he liked me pampering him.

By then, the keeper of the cottage had spotted me and came to keep a watch. Seeing that the deer was calm next to me, he said that the deer had wandered off near the cottage a few weeks back. Ever since then, the tourists visiting the place acquainted him with cigarettes and beer (or anything alcoholic) just for fun. So, the deer was intoxicated most of the day, never ate, and was lost.

“How cruel,” I thought. I wanted to tie up those who did this to the deer. He was my friend now.

I couldn’t spend much time with him and in two days we were already on our way back home. I didn’t forget my deer friend. We made a call to the cottage the very next day to find out how he was. He had died just that morning of an overdose of alcohol.

Men are cruel to men and men are also cruel to animals. How fair is that?

Really real

"A friend is someone who brings the best in you."

I read a quote close on those lines a few days back and conveniently forgot it. And after a series of disappointing incidents I was reminded of the same line.
On the one hand, it made me more introspective. I gave myself sometime to come to terms with myself or rather what I really am. And on the other, it made me understand the ingredients of a real friend or a real relationship (in the broader sense).
In actuality, there are no real people. But, strangely we all look for something in every relationship. Some people define it. And an emotional few confine to those definitions. Others just play the blame game purely to victimize another.
Either ways, what's a relationship if it takes more efforts than constructing ten new Empire State buildings to keep it?
I'm thinking more like a grown-up, but just don't want to end up being `frighteningly human,' as I heard from someone.

“The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor; he took my measurement anew every time he saw me, while all the rest went on with their old measurements and expected them to fit me.”

George Bernard Shaw

Suzanna

Years back I used to wonder why I wasn’t christened that name – Suzanna (I still love the name).

It’s been years after I made friends with a girl called Suzanna and started living with what’s meant to be…for me.

The shrill of silence

Wonder who could break this long painful silence. Can’t take the shrill any longer…

Sketches of smiles

Every time I made you smile, I sketched that.

Now, I’m looking back at my sketches of your smiles.

They are frozen on paper and I wonder why that brings a tear to my eye.

It's a snake

It was coiled beside me. Never moved. Knew it was there, but never gave it a thought or bothered it. I wouldn’t say that its presence petrified me...

Everyone else found that bizarre.

Now if I touch it, it may slither away in fear or just strike me… Either ways it’s a snake, and it would only end up hurting me. I’m not touching it.

Marathon

All these years, I have been running away from so many things, that I don't remember when and how I started this marathon.
Now, I'm running again...from myself. This time I myself want to be lost, that I never find the lost me within.

What's missing..

It's been quite a while that I penned my thoughts down. It almost feels like words forcefully drowned, just to show the surface as unmoved.

Well, I longed to be out of my current workplace for reasons that none of my friends approved of. And here I am, resigned out of sheer impulsiveness and feeling burdened. I know for sure that I would not miss the place or the people. I am quite sure that I've done it at the right time. But, something is missing. I know it and I know not.

I asked for a job. I have it. But, don't want it. I'm quite unsure where I want to be or what I want to do. Right now, I need God's grace to carry me through this rough phase.

I want to turn back time and ask God to give me a heart that never loves. It doesn't have anything direct to do with my leaving...